back with a vengence

i realize that it has been a very long time since i have posted anything in this journal of mine, and even long since i have posted anything of substance. well...lately a couple of issues have really been bothering me and i figure that this is the best place for me to release that tension.

first of all: labels. at work when there are several people by the same name we come up with other things to call the individuals. for example: we have 3 rachels that work there and they are called rachel(shes been there the longest and therefore gets to keep her name) R2(rachel 2) and RD( she refused to be called R3 and her middle initial is d)everytime this multiple amount of names shows up, that is what we do, we make up references to their whole name. there are now 3 brians that work with me, including myself. bryan w, bryan R and.....gay brian. somehow im the one who gets labeled by some other aspect of themselves other than their name. i cant be Brian M like you would expect, nope just gay brian. this may seem trivial to most people but it really weighs on me. i try really hard to be first seen as the person that i am brian/phoenix and second by the aspects of myself. the ignorant people of this country have some sort of a hangup of sexuality that when you are anything but the norm of heterosexual then you are automatically defined by that aspect of yourself. i dont want to be "gay brian" i want to "brian...who happens to be gay" ive said this to people at work and they all act as if im overreacting. they seemed to somewhat realize when i started doing it back to them, calling them "fake boobs kat" "small penis bryan" and "depressed megan." its not fun to be labeled. i try not to do it, yet im supposed to just accept that fact that being a homo is my label and i just have to deal with it.

Second: sexuality and friendship. i have also recently the magnitude to which people obsess with sexuality when dealing with a new friend. we work together and recently we have become pretty good friends. we hang out(alone), go places(alone), and *gasp* even laugh and have a good time with each other at work. the shocker to this whole story is........dun dun dun, he is a straight male.*everyone shrieks in terror* is it really outside the realm of human understand that a gay man and a straight man can actually be friends without there being anything sexual behind it? why is the world so ignorant. maybe it isnt the world, maybe its just the people i work with, because thats where all the trouble happens. they snicker and sneer at us, call us boyfriends, and laugh. they even do it around people that dont know us so they really think that we are together. now this guy, everyone seems to think he is gay. i dont. ive hung around him enough and been alone with him enough times that if something were to happen, it would have. i think the problem other people have with him is that he is secure enough in himself that it doesnt matter what these people think to him. he can be who he wants and thats enough for him and i think that is what i like best about him. now i have to admit, i did have a bit of a crush on him in the beginning, but thats only because he meets my criteria for a hottie almost exactly. the one tiny little issue that doesnt fit though, HES STRAIGHT. im not on any kind of a conquest to "turn the straight boy" i just like him. hes a good guy, but everyone else has a problem with it and feels the need to poke fun at it. theyve done it so much that ive felt the need to change how i act with him. now at work i try not to talk to him as much as i used to, i dont sit off alone with him and talk about people like i used, and according to him i act "standoffish" why do i do this? because i would much rather keep our friendship at that kind of a level where no one is making fun of it, than have him finally grow insecure about being called gay all the time and him back out of our friendship. this is sick and stupid that i have to feel this way. that people are soo ignorant and immature that they cant just let us be friends with out constantly questioning us about if we're having sex. grow up people. when other people's insecurities affect my friendship, there is something very very wrong.

im thinking that this probably is just a work thing, and that maybe i just need to get away from them. i have straight friends in denton that dont give a shit about who im fucking. they even have BEST friends that are gay. somehow they are able to look past the issue of sexuality and see the person underneath. what a novel idea.

end rant

phoenix